Two friends of mine found a dead deer on the side of the road, all bloated and stiff. This was years ago, back when I was still in high school. Bush and Gore were campaigning to be President.
The two of them thought it would be a good idea to pick it up and put it in the yard of a friend of ours who didn’t live very far away. This is what passes as a clever prank when you’re a 17-year-old in Fairfax, apparently. So, they parked and loaded the deer into the back of the truck they were driving. But when they picked it up a lot of fur rubbed off onto their pants, and a lot blood leaked onto their hands. They both tried wiping their hands onto their pants, but then all the fur just got stuck to all the blood.
“This is really gross,” one of my friends said, unable to find a way to remove any of the bloody fur from his hands and clothes.
Since it was an election season, they decided to gather up a bunch of those political signs from the median and use the wooden stakes to sort of prop the deer up in the front yard. Kind of like one of those fake reindeers at Christmas, but, you know, a lot grosser and smellier and without any blinking lights. It was also September.
Anyway, a deer can be pretty heavy, and those cheap pieces of wood aren’t really meant to hold up a couple of hundred pounds of corpse. Dead animals also aren’t very cooperative, either. Frustration turned into failure, and they decided against putting the deer into his yard, reasoning that his father would probably wake up early and clean up the body anyway, most likely by simply dumping it in his garbage can with its legs sticking out of the top.
So, they put the deer back into the bed of the truck and drove away. After a couple of minutes they asked themselves what they were doing driving around with a rotting deer carcass in the back of their truck and, unable to come up with a good reason, put the truck in reverse and hit the brakes, dumping it into the street.
The next day at school, our friend came to school saying that he felt terrible for hitting and killing a deer on his way home the night before.
“The weird thing was that it wasn’t running across the street,” he claimed. “It was just asleep in the middle of the road. Isn’t that weird?”
I wish I had been there…65,890 out of 100,000.
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